Archive for category voldemort

Things I Know

Posted by on Wednesday, 11 June, 2014

1. If I owe you money and you don’t want paypal, you will most likely never get your money, even if I know I wrote a check and put it in an envelope AND put it in the mailbox. What happens to these checks? They never clear the bank. They just..disappear.

2. Barnes and Noble not only carry absolutely no books about kids who like non-stereotypically gendered stuff, they also don’t have an LGBT+ section. They stick anything they have in the Women’s Studies section. I’m fairly sure gay men, trans-men, and those who identify as anything other than women would not be ok with this. I left a comment card and plan on irritated letters and tweets.

3. The husband went to Russia and got to pretend to be a cosmonaut and had a fabulous time and didn’t puke at 4Gs in the centerfuge.

4. The husband is now gone again.

5. The husband will return the day I leave for a writing retreat, and leave again FOR AN ENTIRE MINTH the day I come back.

6. I like peanut butter cookies.

Right and Wrong

Posted by on Sunday, 20 January, 2013

On Wednesday, I woke up at my usual hour of oh-god-no, looked at the husband and said, “I’m not going to work today.”

“And why not?” he asked, which was a totally fair question.

“Don’t wanna.” And I flounced downstairs to call in for a mental health day. I spent the next few minutes eagerly thinking of the napping I could do and the tv I could watch that I never get a chance to.

And then the child came downstairs, fell apart over absolutely nothing, and when I hugged him to soothe his fragile five year old soul, I felt his forehead.

Oh. THAT was why I wasn’t going to go to school. BECAUSE I’M PSYCHIC.

Needless to say, I never got that nap and the tv was tuned to ridiculous things like Sophia the First and Gravity Falls.

One day out, no big deal, but when his fever hadn’t gone down by 4 and he had spent the entire day laying on the couch, not even jumping around or whining, I decided to keep him home on Thursday, too.

Two days out, ok, sure, it happens. His fever was lower and he was more entergetic, but was still hanging out at 99 degrees and just didn’t look right to me. I figured he’d been good to go on Friday, and I shared that feeling with the husband. Although I also said I wasn’t entirely comfortable sending him Friday. I just..wasn’t.

Brandus rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll be FINE,” and I figured he was right, so I put my unease to the side and went to bed.

Friday, I got up, got dressed, got a cranky sounding good morning grunt from the husband, and then took Voldemort’s temperature. Which was 100.4.

Brandus scoffed. Brandus rolled his eyes. Brandus told me I was being ridiculous and Voldemort would be FINE and he barely had a fever and GEEZUS SERIOUSLY YOU’RE STAYING HOME WITH HIM AGAIN GOD.

I find it a sign of my own personal maturity that at no point did I videotape myself doing the TOLD YOU SO song and dance and emailing it to him after the doctor told me that Voldemort had an upper respiratory infection topped with a double dose of conjunctivitis.

Things I Have Added to The List

Posted by on Thursday, 11 March, 2010

I needed to add a few things to the list of “Things I Did Not Expect to Say When Dealing with Small Children.”

- “Don’t lick the chair! I have to sit on that!”

- “Stop peeing in the sink!”

- “We do not spit in our toys and then DRINK IT. EW EW EW.”

Why do so many of my issues involve bodily fluids? I’d be fine if they’d just stop…leaking from so many different orifices.

Yo Check My Flow

Posted by on Thursday, 28 January, 2010

A collection of random thoughts, strung together in no coherent order with numbers and called a post:

1. Something I never expected to have to say to any person (regardless of preschooler status or Autism label) is “Stop eating the laundry basket!” He ripped the bottom off and was chewing on the straw. Why? For the same reason he eats acorns and leaves on the playground. TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

2. Voldemort has gotten progressively more hilarious. Yesterday, he saw helicopters, and when I asked where he thought they were going, he said to our house to pick up Dora treats and then go to the moon.

…it’s cuter if you know him. Otherwise, it’s probably just an annoying story told by an annoying parent who thinks everything her average child does is adorable. NOT THAT MY KID IS AVERAGE. MY KID IS A GENIUS. A GENIUS WHO THINKS THE FUNNIEST KNOCK KNOCK JOKE IS:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Griffin who?
Griffin KITTY!

3. I have a tendency to get sucked into certain books and topics. This happened with Julie and Julia, where I saw the movie, which lead to the book, which lead to the blog, where I eventually lost interest.

There was also a previous example where i ran across a post about Tom Cruise and a video he did about Scientology where he basically made no sense, which lead to information about L Ron Hubbard and him being BAT SHIT INSANE, which lead to several weeks where I researched creepy stuff and being brainwashed, and then I started having reoccurring dreams about thetas and being audited, and at that point I decided the crazy was coming from inside the house, so I cut myself off cold turkey and now avoid any and all research into Scientology to avoid active hallucinations about Tom Cruise cracking my skull open and stealing my brain.

Instead, I just finished Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders, so Im about to go locate the Manson documentaries on Netflix and do some research on youtube. I’m absolutely sure this won’t cause me any nightmares or mental trauma!

4. I have now had to remove an obscene amount of materials from my classroom, because I have students who tend to fixate. I had to remove any and all references to Thomas the Train, because I had one student who would do absolutely NOTHING ELSE but drive Thomas and make Thomas noises. Then I had to remove all crayons and small objects that were blue, as a different student would line them all up and would have a complete meltdown when asked to put them away, or do, i dont know, ANYTHING. Then a singing frog, because OMG MAKE THE STUPID SONG STOP FOR THE LOVE OF TOAST. And now, we’re carefully hidden a crock of fake plastic cookies with fake candy on the top, because of the student with the blue fixation has lately been refusing to do things like eat, nap, or participate in circle time for the joy of rubbing two of the cookies together. Ah, sensory issues. HOW FUN!

5. For those of you who know me in real life, you know I
A)love Glee
B)love Asian entertainment
so this promo for Glee on Fox Japan leaves me rolling on the floor laughing.

Hay-Barn-Apple Tree

Posted by on Sunday, 10 January, 2010

When we moved from Alaska, I was hoping we were doing our last move. Less then 6 months later, I knew we weren’t. Brandus hates it here, which has more to do with the school district and the political crap in his school than with hating the actual physical place. Although, there are issues with the physical place as well.

We live on an island, and we love it. We’re only 2 blocks away from the beach or the sound. But the biggest city close to us is Jacksonville, and there is a very large Marine base there. Which means the majority of the people in our area are military – and by extension, the majority are..conservative.

Being conservative (in whatever way, political or whatever) isn’t a problem. What IS a problem is how brandus feels like he has to bite his tongue about his basic beliefs in school. Brandus isn’t Christian. He’s vegetarian. We’re liberal. This makes us very different from most people around here – and so he feels like he can’t even be himself or express himself to his co-workers.

Add to that the fact that, here, if a child, a third grade child, an EIGHT YEAR OLD, fails the end of year exams, they have failed the whole grade. An eight year old. Failing an entire grade the first year they even have to take a high stakes test. It’s ridiculous.

So, are we moving? Maybe. At this point, it’s all down to finances. To move to where we want (which is currently Washington state, where Brandus can work at a BIA school, and I can do..something. I don’t care what) will be very expensive. Like, several thousand. Like five thousand OR MORE. And that doesn’t include our basic costs for the summer.

I think we’ll just..throw all of our stuff away and hitchhike cross country. It would be cheaper, and it would expose Voldemort to a vast array of new and terrifying and dirty adventures!

Swiper, No Swiping

Posted by on Tuesday, 5 January, 2010

Sunday night, the very idea of going back to work felt a little like I was going to be pushed out of a plane in mid air. Possibly with a parachute, but it really doesn’t matter, I was still completely dreading it.

And getting up Monday morning required me to pry myself out of bed with a crowbar, but the kid popped right up and even dealt with the fact of NO WE CANNOT WATCH DORA RIGHT NOW, which is better than his normal reaction to that answer, which is to jump up and down and flail his arms and scream. Which is usually followed by my reaction, which is, IF YOU DO NOT STOP, NO DORA EVER. At which point he sniffles and says, Ok. Can I have juice?

Regardless, Monday actually went well, which just goes to show that pre-emptive dreading actually solves problems, and lack of whining leads to a happier Mommy and a non-Dora free house.

Now, today? Today was another ballgame. Complete with preschoolers climbing on top of furniture and staring at me to see what I would do, preschoolers stripping, and Voldemort getting time out after time out at daycare for snatching toys to watch other kids cry. AWESOME. WE’RE BACK IN THE GROOVE.


Posted by on Monday, 21 December, 2009

As of this writing, we have gotten the child a very small pile of gifts. Very small. Like..8. If you split the 6 finger puppets in half.

As of this writing, Im very content with that. Why? One, i dont want Voldemort going crazy over presents. Two, we are generally broke, thanks to repaying student loans.


As of this writing, my parents sent us home at Thanksgiving with two big bags full of gifts from them and extended family on that side. Then, my mother tells me that she has sent two more boxes of gifts up here.

Then, we get three BIG boxes full of gifts from Brandus’ parents. And then they tell us today on the phone that they have sent another two boxes, AND they have a “few more things” at the house to send.

Holy crap.

We’ve been opening things in bits and pieces, so that he doesn’t get completely overwhelmed. So far, he’s gotten some very cool toys, some very LOUD toys, and some stuff that I have no idea what anyone was thinking…like the inflatable Winnie the Pooh doll.

Brandus and I? So far, he’s gotten a tie. I’ve got a mini umbrella. And we both got flashlights.

I think we can clearly tell who is more important, here.

2 and a half, going on hilarious

Posted by on Saturday, 21 November, 2009

Voldemort has hit the imagination stage and the whiny stage, all in conjunction with each other. I dont so much care for the whining, but the imagination plus his ability to deliver bizarre lines with a straight face means he is bound to be in trouble in school a lot.

My personal favorite happened just yesterday. I came in to pick him up from daycare to see him poking one of the girls with a wooden spoon as she spun around on this bouncy zebra thing.
“Kiddo, what are you doing?”
“I’m ‘tagonizing Payton!”

Payton is the girl he identifies as his girlfriend. We don’t know why, as we’ve never encouraged it, and daycare says they don’t talk about it. This is also the girl with whom my child has a “special” relationship. Daycare identifies it as “a married couple in the middle of a nasty divorce.”

Ah, the sweet smell of young love.

Pants Optional

Posted by on Tuesday, 10 November, 2009

My child has decided, after a discussion with his father, who was trying to get him to stop crying and crying and crying for no apparent reason, that this year, we shall celebrate Hanukkah. This seems like a downright swell idea to me, so we’re going with it. The fact that we aren’t Jewish doesn’t matter all that much, does it?

We’ll grab a Menorah, light some candles, and have 8 days of presents. I like that better anyway.

It might help me deal with the sheer utter stupid that I ran into today. So, I pass my boss in the hall twice today, smile as she passes, I think one time I even said ‘Hi,’ once. She doesnt so much as glance my way. Seriously, not a flicker. Not a nod. Nothing.

Um. I figured maybe she was just…distracted. So i go about my day, get my kids on the bus with no major drama…and when I get home, Brandus says, “Um..”


“My principal pulled me aside today, and said I should have a talk with you.”


“She wants to know what you did to get on your principal’s bad side, and that you better kiss ass FAST to get on her good side.”

Let me rephrase this whole conversation. Brandus was pulled aside, BY HIS PRINCIPAL, to warn me I needed to get on MY PRINCIPAL’S good side.

She’s talking shit about me, people. TO OTHER PRINCIPALS. And let us review – what exactly have i done so wrong?

1. I didnt check in when I went on a home visit that lasted longer than usual, leading me to be, in her eyes, an hour late returning to the school. And leaving my room a mess…even though they hadn’t delivered my furniture until we had already left for the home visit, and we didn’t KNOW the room was a mess.

2. My lesson plans printed off strangely, cutting off a sliver of the letters down one side.

THESE ARE THE ONLY THINGS I KNOW I’VE DONE WRONG. Every single freaking thing she has told me to do, we have done. And we have hopped to every single time she has said hop.

I can’t even hate her. She’s too fucking ridiculous.

Sometimes My Fandom Life Overtakes My Real Life

Posted by on Thursday, 29 October, 2009

I have thoughts to share.

An entire story about the sheer ridiculousness that I encountered one day while picking up Voldemort from daycare, when the assistant manager told me, giggling and almost blushing, that she had never known another 2 year old who uses anatomically correct terms for his genitalia.

Because “wee wee” and “pee pee” are so much more appropriate then “penis,” I guess.

More insane stories about my job and the micromanaging, which has now progressed to a degree of inanity where the work room is no longer available to the teaching public of the school. It is kept locked, and all things which must be photocopied, cut, laminated, or die cut must be submitted to the office at least 2 weeks before it is needed.

No, Im really not kidding. Teachers and TAs are no longer allowed to set foot in the workroom.

Stories about the fact my sister is coming to visit tomorrow, and she’s making Indian food, and we’re trying to plot out the best way to make a cake that looks like brains so we can pretend to be zombies.

Instead, I leave you with the song that has been stuck in my head for the past week. It’s a damned addicting vid, too. It’s fairly obvious the guys who dressed them were on crack. I’m very fond of the girl whose hair sticks straight up.

Bad Hat

Posted by on Sunday, 23 August, 2009

Several years ago, pre wedding, even – when Brandus and I were sitting in a movie theater awaiting a movie, a preview came on.

One brief glimpse of a little hat blowing across a black screen had me digging my fingernails into Brandus’ arm and shrieking, “MADELINE!”

I dont remember what his reaction was, although I imagine it involved wincing and swearing and a look to tell me how insane I was. But, I was right. The little straw hat with the ribbon was advertising the movie Madeline, which was based on the book series, which I love very very much.

So, you can imagine my current joy when I go in to put Voldemort to bed last night and ask him what book he wants to read. He reaches up toward the book shelf we keep the destroyable books on, pulls out a book and says, Ma-line!

He points out the “bad man,” Madeline, Ms. Clavel, the little girls, the balloons, the crack on the ceiling that looks like a rabbit.

I am deeply deeply tempted to buy him this:

I think he’d love it.

The Muffin Man

Posted by on Friday, 8 May, 2009

My kiddo is completely unable to say his own name.

He can say a number of random words, including “elephant,” “strawberry,” and “hippopotamus,” but he mangles his own name.

Instead of “Griffin,” it comes out MIFFIN.

Which is, frankly, hilarious.

However, I recently took the opportunity to try and correct this. We’ve been reading a lot of animal books lately, as he digs the animals. Instead of telling him that bear says rawr, I went with bear says grrr.

He gives me this evil toothy grin and says, GRRR.

Great! Says I, now say, GRRRR-IFFIN.

The little punk has been periodically looking up at me ever since, giving me that evil grin, and telling me his name is GRRR-MIFFIN..

Say Hello, Dorothy

Posted by on Wednesday, 22 April, 2009

Ive spent this week alternating between crippling depression over my job and how the entire profession of teaching hates me in very not subtle ways, and extreme irritation while i say things like, “IF YOU THROW YOURSELF ON THE FLOOR ONE MORE TIME, I AM CALLING THE WHINE WAGON TO COME AND GET YOU,” and “FOR THE LOVE OF TOAST, STOP LICKING THE TABLE.”

Preschoolers are weird.

Of course, I may only get this year to say that, because the licensure department – you know, the people who didn’t issue my license until MARCH when I applied in DECEMBER – says that I have to complete the 6 hours I need to clear my provisional PreK license by June.

Ok, no problem!

Except that it is, because only one of the classes I need is offered this summer. Can they extend the time frame, seeing as I didnt know what classes I needed until AFTER the deadline for spring registration?


I call HR. they make thoughtful noises, and recommend i check with different colleges and universities to see if any offer the class I need.

I say…no, i really wasnt KIDDING when I told you this class was not being offered ANYWHERE IN NC. TRUST ME, I ALREADY LOOKED.

*facepalm* i think ive got it worked out, after talking to the Guy in Charge of something, who has agreed to let me take a different class and pretend it counts towards my license.

It’s possible that somewhere along the way in talking to HR and Guy in Charge and The Evil State that my head popped right off of my neck and rolled around on the floor. Because ever since, I’ve had a very difficult time making sentences that make sense. Or stringing words together in any order. Or not calling kids the wrong name.

Join me tomorrow, when I spam you with pictures of the TWO YEAR OLD VOLDEMORT. AHHHHHHH!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Things I Learn Talking to My Mother

Posted by on Thursday, 16 April, 2009

-My child is damned to hell
-I am a heathen, and need to take my child to church
-No, she doesn’t care that I don’t like church. SHE doesnt like church, either. I should still go.
-I dress like a highschooler
-My child is filthy and is never bathed.
-The child looks so CUTE in clothes covered in bunnies


Posted by on Thursday, 19 February, 2009

The other day, we got Voldemort a potty.

Not a big deal, we figured. We’re not in a hurry, but Voldemort can already tell us when he is wet or dirty, so hey. Might as well give it a shot.

So, tonight, while he was in the bathtub playing around, I set up the potty and put it in the corner of the bathroom, and figured it might sit on it for a second or two.


Kid sat on the potty til he peed.

And then he stood up, pointed and said ‘PeePee!’

And the next step? TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

My Proudest Parenting Moment

Posted by on Tuesday, 3 February, 2009

Voldemort comes running over to see Brandus’ new class pet, Jack.

Upon seeing that Jack was shedding his skin, Voldemort exclaims:


Most excellent. We are halfway to success!

What I Hear Everyday

Posted by on Sunday, 25 January, 2009




Teacher can I paint? Teacher teacher he hit me! Teacher what’s your name? HEY YOU I don’t like milk! I wanna go home! I want my mommy! Teacher read to me teacher I gotta go potty teacher I had an accident!

Brain Freeze

Posted by on Sunday, 18 January, 2009

Fevers, for some kids, are a mark of illness. Your kid gets a fever, he is listless and whiny and clingy and maybe actually has symptoms of something, so you take your kid in and the doc says, “ear infection!” gives you some meds, and you are on your way to a fever free baby.

Not my kid.

My kid gets MYSTERY fevers. It can’t be an ear infection, because he is ALREADY ON ANTIBIOTICS. He isn’t listless. He is clingy and whiny and wants to hear the same books over and over and over and over and OMG I CANNOT READ THE BUS BOOK ANYMORE I AM SORRY I BURNED IT.

See, my kid gets mystery fevers that arent related to anything. Highish fevers – 103 is about the average.

And then, when the fever goes away…we’ve progressed to new developmental milestones.

The Dark Lordling had a mystery fever most of last week, which meant I spent 3 days home with him, and Brandus spent 1 and a half days home with him. During the fever, we read (and read and read and read) many books, we played at home, he was fairly normal, except for being clingy.

The fever went away on Friday…

Now he asks, BY NAME, for the Bus book(Ben’s First Ride on the School Bus), the House book (The Napping House), the Monster book (I See a Monster!)..makes all the noises in the Moo book (Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?)..identifies birds and dogs and sheep and monkeys and bears..puts on his own pants..tells me he is poopy or that he went pee pee..goes and gets a matched set of shoes for me or him..matches his animal memory tiles..says ‘no’ to anything he doesn’t want to do..pets the kitty nicely..goes and gets clothes/diaper/toy when I ask him to..goes to the bathroom door and waits when I say I have to go potty..puts his clothes in the hamper when he takes them off..takes OFF all of his clothes..


I think his brain overheats during developmental spurts. IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

We’re Just Bats About the Letter B

Posted by on Tuesday, 13 January, 2009

The Dark Lordling would watch this over and over and over, if we would let him.

I SO need mp3s of some of these. He loves them so much.

All hail hulu! All the fun of Sesame Street ANY TIME OF DAY.

My Nose Says Beep

Posted by on Thursday, 8 January, 2009

When I was a kid, I went to Space Camp.

..For three years in a row, because i AM that much of a nerd.

Anyway, my second year, I had this really awesome group of people as my team, and we all seemed to share a similar fucked up sense of humor.

For example, we got great joy out of “beeping” each other’s noses. So much joy, in fact, that it gradually morphed over the week we were together from “beep” to each person having their own individual sound/phrase/expression.

My nose said “Out of order.” Ox’s nose said, “I’ll rip out your eyes and piss in your dead skull.”

I think Ox didnt like having his nose beeped.

Regardless, the memory of space camp and noses came back to me today, when, while playing with his father, Voldemort reached up to his own nose, pushed it, and said, “boop!”