From the Trenches of Alcoholism

lifering-med

Alcoholism sucks.

I know I’m not speaking from direct experience, but as one with a ring side seat, let me assure you that is absolutely awful.

I can tell now. I know what to look for. And that fact alone has been hard won. It’s come from emergency gallbladder surgery two years ago. From the call from your work a year and a half ago. From a grand mal seizure on the Santa Clause train in front of my entire family this December. From when your skin was yellow. From when the police brought you home.

I see it. The lack of sense of time, the sleeping, the illogical requests of your kid, the urge to pick a fight with me, the fact that you are avoiding, and are unable to track a sentence sometimes.

The fact I asked you to leave.

I know. I can see it.

IT SUCKS. It sucks for you – I know it does. I KNOW it’s a disease. But from this side, too – it’s hard and painful and exhausting. I feel like I can barely trust myself, much less you.

I feel like I’m the crazy one.

Should I have let you stay? Should I live with the fear that the next time, I will know for sure that you were so far gone you were unable to hold a conversation, and yet still put our son in the car?

No. I can’t. And I won’t. And I’m sorry you can’t always seem to understand why I’ve made these choices, but they are mine to make. I will not risk our son.

And believe it or not, I am trying not to risk you.

Will this be enough to get through to you that I fear for your life? Your health?

I’m fighting to keep my own head above water. Alcoholism is drowning us both.

I’ve thrown you the lines and the flotation devices I can find, but now it’s up to you, because I’m about to go under if I try to keep you afloat. I have to put on my own oxygen mask first.

Reach for the life raft. For your son, if not for yourself or for me.

photo credit: Rescue FAIL via photopin (license)

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Insert Sponsor Here: Craftsy

I try not to mention ads too much, although I do run them in the sidebar.

Yes, it costs money to run a blog, but in all honesty, I’ve been running a few ads for years and I’m pretty sure I’ve made less than $20 total.

But, the brands I do run ads for are ones that I personally use, and I figured I’d talk about them, especially since it’s that or think about my personal life and I just can’t right now.

So! Craftsy! Craftsy is a web site that offers a whole bunch of classes in a whole bunch of different creative areas – stuff like Floor Loom Weaving, Cooking With Cast Iron, Building a Raised Bed Garden, The Secrets of Free-Motion Quilting..seriously, tons of stuff. I’ve taken several of the quilting classes offered, and there are videos of steps, personal interaction with the instructors, and downloadable patterns and pdfs. They’re fun!

They also offer pre-made kits and supplies, and I’ve had good luck with the ones that I’ve bought.

And, starting today, they are having a pretty damn good sale on class prices. So check it out!

Craftsy

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Hard Words

Do you still like me?

I don’t know how I feel. I love you, yes, but like you? I don’t know right now.

Are we going to make it through?

I’m not sure yet.

Oh.

I’m really upset and hurt and pissed off.

….

I don’t know.

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A Difficult Week

Today, I have:

1. a cold. or the flu. something that involves me struggling to breathe and hacking and coughing and not having a useful amount of voice

2. a migraine, which caused me to leave work when the aura hit, as driving home with an actual migraine seemed like a terrible idea, as is attempting to teach young children, at least one of which wants to throw blocks at my head and/or bite me and/or spit on me, while dealing with a cold+migraine

3. my period. because why the hell not. along with this one go a host of stomach issues, grumpiness, and generally weeping.

Am fairly sure that 2 is most likely a result of the combination of 1 and 3. And am positive that all three mean that this week should be fired.

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The Anxiety Machine

A few times a month, I have bad anxiety days.

Not days when I have panic attacks – which, thankfully, are rare – just days when my anxiety sits on top of me like a layer of rocks, reminding me of everything stupid I might have done or might have done wrong, or even things I might do wrong but haven’t yet.

It’s draining.

I’ve been on edge since Friday, when I was spoken to by my principal about how I was late for professional development this week.

The conversation wasn’t a big deal – I’m not in trouble, I wasn’t even scolded about it.

And yet I spent two hours yesterday obsessing over it, because I got a three sentence email that went over what we had spoken about.

I struggled to check my work email today for fear that something else from the principal would be in it.

I had a job interview today, for the new position, and have spent the four hours since cringing over everything I said and how dumb I’m sure I looked and now there’s a follow-up email from the interviewer with a few extra questions and they are nothing I can’t answer but I am paralyzed, and I CAN’T.

And it’s so frustrating to feel like this.

I manage most days, and my anxiety disorder is mild and generally well maintained with medications, but these days suck.

Anxiety sucks.

And the worse part of it is?

Anxiety makes me feels like I suck.

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