My Kid, My Life

I keep running across the idea of “Ive wanted kids my whole life!” and “My life just wasnt complete without kids!” Followed by, “I loved him before he was born,” or “I fell in love the instant I saw him/her.”

It took me..oh..a good month or so.

Maybe I am freakish. I mean, it is very very possible that Im the weird one, here.

So many women talk about how when their baby was born they couldnt stop crying tears of joy. Or that they kissed them and held them and felt this surge of love.

Heck, when they handed the Little Dark Lord to me initially, I thought, “OH GOD WHAT IF I DROP IT?”

…actually, that’s pretty much what I thought the entire time i was in the hospital. The hospital where I delivered doesnt even HAVE a nursery – every mother rooms in, which is awesome. But, they got me and the kid upstairs and settled and then mom went home and I stared at the closed door, left all alone with this little tiny fragile scary thing.

I ended up cosleeping with him in the crock of my arm all night (well, the whole 3 or 4 hours I actually had to rest..and could actually sleep) and woke up every 10 minutes to make sure he was breathing.

You know, I always rolled my eyes whenever people talked about doing that, and now here I am, sneaking into the bedroom during long nap times, just in case.

But, still, I wasnt overwhelmingly in love with him right off. I wasnt swept away with joy and completeness. The kid was born. He was squirmy and floppy and terrifying.

That’s why when people talk about wanting another baby SO BAD, or wanting to hold a newborn, or how wonderful newborns are, that I try not to snort. That’s why, when people, like Amber Benson (and wouldnt you think she would know better?) start talking to me about the next one, and how many I want, I just end up staring at them blankly.

I love my kid.

But, why is it so much ANYONE ELSE’S BUSINESS if we have another one? Why does THE SCHOOL PLUMBER feel like he can chuckle condescendingly and say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind,” when I say I currently have no interest in having another baby? I still remember labor – or no, I DONT remember labor, in parts, and that freaks me out. I remember being pregnant and seasick for four straight months. I remember being alone on a hospital bed, gagging into a basin from pain, while my midwife and my mother chatted about knitting and Brandus was running around Pants in a panic, self medicating.

If I dont want to go through that again, it’s my own damn business.

Could I change my mind? Sure, maybe. But that’s MY choice, dammit.

So, the school plumber, principal, native guys, women online – you can all kiss my ass.

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6 Responses to My Kid, My Life

  1. Kara says:

    Thank you for killing that little clock that’s been ticking away in my uterus. I think it needs that every so often. If I get asked one more time BY MY STUDENTS when I’m gonna have kids, I will hurt them. I really will.

    And I’ll refrain from sarcastic remarks about mothers and babies and the mythical bond of blood and love at first sight.

    But yes. Babies are floppy. And terrifying. And when Tharon first shoved Voltron in my arms, I thought, OMG, I’m going to drop her. Except apparently babies bounce.

  2. natalie says:

    Brilliant entry, Al, And so very true. After the Critter was c-sectioned out, I was pretty foggy for a while. I was by myself on one side of the room while everyone crowded around the Critter on the other side of the room as he was bathed, weighed, checked and poked. And let everyone know that he wasn’t very happy with what was happening. I was sorry to miss the spectacle, but was happy to have a chance to rest. And a BIG part of me just kept thinking, “Isn’t someone going to stop that baby from crying?”

  3. Melisa says:

    I am laughing as I read this, only because Allison was the one who said early on that she wanted a brood of of kids. Personally, I can’t imagine going through that once let alone multiple times. I assume you both know what mom was feeling as she killed the orchid that bloomed?

  4. shannon says:

    I always wanted to ask you about that, but it just seemed too personal. I know, what a joke. I remember when steph had the monster, they also lanced a massive thing on her leg right after he popped out (and by lanced I mean a large cut that required stiches). After the monster was cleaned up mom brought over for steph to hold and she was all “I’m kinda busy here, ya know GETTING STICHED UP!” Her leg wasn’t the only place she required stiches… 🙂

  5. kcb says:

    So, the school plumber, principal, native guys, women online – you can all kiss my ass.

    Word. I’ve found that a pained expression and the phrase, “I feel very fortunate to have the two kids I have” backs people right off. Not that my reproductive history is any of their business. But I think people sometimes forget how hard it can be to conceive, gestate and birth kids successfully — to say nothing of being a parent.

    A friend of mine brought over her newborn and asked if being around him gave me “baby fever.” Nope. I’ve got “good night’s sleep fever.”

  6. Michmak says:

    Wow — drop off the radar for a couple of years, and you go and get pregnant and have a baby! Congratulations. Speaking as someone who had three kids within 33 months of each other (yes, you read that right), I can totally see where you are coming from. I got it from the other end though — people making comments about the fact I was pregnant again, and my personal fave: “There are ways to prevent that, you know!” Gah. Anyway, I would love to hear more and catch up, so email me if you want to. Plus — Amber Benson!!! *iz jealous*