Not Quite a Baby Story

So, the whole mess with kidney stones, broken wrists and widom teeth got even more complicated.

On Tuesday, I go in to my routine appointment with my midwife – we discuss how Im feeling, how the kidney pain is, how swollen my feet are and why my face is so puffy.

I feel the need to point out that Brandus is parking the car, and isnt yet upstairs.

They want to check my cervix, because Im 36 weeks, and it will give us a better idea of when Brandus needs to come back. As he is due to be put on a plane at 2pm THAT DAY.


*pause* What?

Umm. You might want to tell Brandus to stay..

*pause and blink* WHAT?!

Im 4 cm dialated.

Brandus comes upstairs, and Im just sitting on the table, half nekkid, laughing hysterically.

They hook me up to the monitor for an hour, and Im having contractions, which I knew. But they arent really regularregular, and I wasnt in any pain, so I had been ignoring them.

Brandus and I sit around and laugh – somewhere between hysterically and honest amusement. Because, really, THIS is my life, people. They check me again, and Im now 5cm dialated.


Yeah, Brandus, you aren’t going anywhere.

My blood pressure is a little high, and Im having a LEETLE bit of pain, but its kidney pain, not cramps or anything else that it’s supposed to be if its labor.

They dont let me leave the hospital! They take me downstairs and check me into prenatal, where they hook me up to the monitor yet again.

Brandus runs back to the apartment to take our coworker home, as she had an appointment at the hospital that morning too, plus, I want him to pick up some things for me. You know, the very important things..pajamas, toothbrush…laptop.

My appointment was at 10:30, I was checked into prenatal around 1 or so, I think. We stopped for lunch, and monitoring took a while, so Im really not sure, but that sounds right. Brandus calls my parents while he is out, as well as my sisters, his parents, our boss, the Easter Bunny..half the world, I think.

They decide to hook me up to an IV, as they’re still worried about the swelling in my feet and face, and they’re still thinking about my kidney issues. It takes two nurses two tries to admit they can’t do it. My arms are puffy too, and they cant get a good vein. They’re going to call the IV Team to come in and do it.

Around 4 or so, I think, they check me again, as Im still having contractions, and they’re kinda regular, although, really, im still not having pain.

Now? Im closer to 6cm dialated, and they decide to move me back to Labor and Delivery – more as a precaution than anything, in case I go into active labor.

At this point, I am having some kidney pain, but nothing compared to the pain on Sunday night, so, really, still ok.

They move me back, naturally, right as Brandus is helping me get my computer set up, and so we have to pack everything back up. They move us back to a L&D room that has a NICU connecting window, because Im still only 36 weeks along, and Im not considered full term until 37 weeks. So, Im far enough along that if I AM in labor, they wont try to stop it, but, there could be some minor issues with Lord Voldemort – breathing or weight issues, mainly, so they want me RIGHT THERE just in case.

Still not in active labor, but at this point, my midwives are bracing themselves.

MidwiveS, notice. One of my midwives cant stay with me, as her father just had surgery..and the next day, my other midwife is getting on a plane to go see her daughter give a speech or something. So, Im getting the feeling that they WANT me to have the baby, because things are so nutty, they want me either delievered or stopped before they leave. Which I have no problem with.

Ive been sucessfully stuck by the IV team, and Im hooked up to an electrolite something, and some antibiotics – because they only just did the Strep B test and we dont know if its negative or positive. so, meds.

I quite cheerfully tell the next nurse who wants to check my cervix that she’s going to be losing fingers if she tries. Dont mess with a girl who does her kegels.

Brandus and I are excited, because this is working out GREAT. Brandus is HERE, right now, and we wont have to worry about him having to leave and come parents have been called, and, while my mom is headed out on Wednesday night anyway, my dad is trying to get on the same flight, so he can be here too.

Around 11, Brandus has passed out on the little pull out couch, and Im getting up every five seconds, because EVERY SINGLE CONTRACTION MAKES ME HAVE TO PEE. The contractions are getting stronger, my back is hurting worse..still in the kidney area, but hey, back pain is back pain.

But, Im sharing a bathroom with another woman in labor, and Im hurting a little more, and my midwife just came back and I let her check me – now at 7cm, 80% effaced, water bag bulging bigger with every contraction, and she says, Let’s go have this baby.


They move me again, into a room with a private bathroom. They have to wake Brandus up and explain things to him in small words and walk him down to the new room. He passes back out on the couch, and I go sit in the shower on the birth ball for a while, and wow, that..actually hurts..

My midwife is thinking that Lord Voldemort is face up instead of face down, so she wants me lying on my side to try and encourage him to turn. I doze a little, but Im not really sleeping.

Nothing else of interest happens for a while. Except that Im still having to pee every five seconds, which is annoying.

They offer me a sleeping pill, but i refuse, because im pretty darn sure that i WILL wet the bed if Im put under like that.

Around 2:30, I get a little stir crazy and start emailing people..apologies for any weird emails you might have gotten from me. Blame the baby.

around 3, they offered me a pain killer – not for pain, but to help me sleep. As Brandus is still completely out – although he wakes up a little to check on me every time I get up. I say yes, because Im exhausted, and if I can get some sleep, then maybe ill wake up with a kid.

Or something.

So, they give me something that sounds like the name of a muppet and the world moves around me, and i start having some really really weird dreams. Homicidal dreams. With muppets.

I still have to get up to pee alot, but i cant get up by myself on this med, so i have to keep buzzing the nurse to help me. I keep trying to tell her that im having alot more kidney pain – but I have no idea if im making any sense, really. Im really not sleeping, I dont think, because contractions and needing to pee wake me up everytime.

I wake up around 6, because its bright, and brandus is stirring – its a school day, and he needs to do lesson plans for his class.

He leaves for a while, because it doesnt look like im going anywhere.

My new nurses check in with me, and guess what? They want to check my cervix! oh, GOODY.

Im still sitting around 6 to 7cm, and soon, my midwife is leaving, and passing me off to a doctor. She looks disappointed that there is no baby.

And they’re talking about downgrading me to prenatal – because Im not making any progress at the moment, and the room is needed. My IV has also stopped working, so they have to call the IV Team back to come stick me again. Im now strapped to a board because the only place they can get the needle in is in the back of my wrist, and they dont want me to pull it out.

Im disappointed, but Im thinking, no biggie. My folks will be in tonight, and I should be back here by then. and then the baby will be here, and it will all still be fine, right?

Ok, Im lying. I was upset and weepy and exhausted. And my nurses kept making sympathetic noises and patting me, and i just wanted them to GO AWAY.

Brandus is disappointed too, and the family keeps calling, all excited, wanting to know if Lord Voldemort is here. And he isnt.

And Brandus only has a limited number of paternity leave days.

I get downgraded to prenatal, and try and get a little more sleep. Which doesnt work.

Brandus also tells me that our housemate has called, and she’s worried about Riddick, our cat. She thinks he might have broken his leg. She’s going to shove him into a carrier, and see if she cant put him on the plane and send him to Anchorage, so we can take him to the vet and see what’s going on.

We spend a rather boring day. Im still being hooked up to the monitor periodically, but my contractions have become less intense and more erratic, so..they might send me home on Thursday.

I keep getting up and pacing the room, hoping that will help and send things back up.

It doesnt.

Brandus spends alot of time running around doing errands. He has to pick up Riddick, take him to the vet, check on our coworker..and he has a major stress relief habit of shopping and wandering around stores. Plus, at midnight, he has to pick up my parents at the airport.

And I havent made any progress since Tuesday night.

Brandus is blaming the pain killer they gave me, and Daddy agrees (right before he gets on the plane) that it might have contributed. But, i AM still having contractions. But they arent regular, and arent very intense.

Both of my midwives are now gone, and im dealing with a doctor i dont know.

Brandus goes to get my parents, and I doze. They stop by to visit and say hello.

Brandus takes them to the apartment, and we both try and get some sleep when he gets back. He has to be up really early, because he’s going to take our coworker to the hospital for her surgery and she has to be there at 6am. And he’s trying to sleep on one of those little bitty pull out couches.

I got discharged on Thursday by yet another doctor, as evidently, im back down to 4-5 cm. Supposedly, im on bedrest, but Brandus can only stay until Sunday, and then he HAS to be back. He has spent 3 days Paternity leave already, which only leaves 4 days left.

We’re really disappointed. And terrified that nothing is going to happen until after he leaves. Because once he leaves, there is NO WAY he can get back easily.

There is one flight a day from Kotlik to Anchorage, and its in the morning. If I go into labor in the afternoon or the evening, it will be at least 12 hours until he can get here.

So, there is shopping and jumping jacks and other things i wont discuss in an effort to get things going.

Nothing works.

I put Brandus on a plane Sunday afternoon (the one afternoon flight everyweek), and was terrified I would go into labor as soon as he left.

My midwife (who is back now, I had an appointment on Monday) is baffled by me. She thinks some of it could have been caused by whatever kidney issues I was having – but Im still at 4-5 cm and Im STILL 80% effaced. Which is unusual.

She said i was a “silent dialator” with an “interesting uterus” and a “sensitive cervix.” So, really, I could go at any time, and when I do, it will most likely be FAST. Plus, with all the weirdness going on, its possible I wouldnt know anything was actually happening until EVERYTHING was about to happen.

So, Brandus is gone. Daddy is here, but needs to leave on Friday. Im not in labor, but i could be whenever. Im going back to see my midwife on Thursday, and Im hoping at that point Brandus can come back for the weekend and everything will get going.

Or something.


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2 Responses to Not Quite a Baby Story

  1. natalie says:

    That must have taken a really long time to write. Not as long as it took to go through the exhausting exercist of NOT yet having a baby, but still. I’m glad you wrote it!

    And this: “I quite cheerfully tell the next nurse who wants to check my cervix that she’s going to be losing fingers if she tries. Dont mess with a girl who does her kegels.”

    Seriously laughed out loud. LOUDLY.

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