Today’s Secret Word is AWESOME

Friday, August 2, 2013 Posted by

My recap of BlogHer ’13, in many more words than needed, probably.

BlogHer was amazing, first off. I was a newbie this year, as were about 53% of attendees, according to the stats they threw at us the first morning.

I met tons of really awesome people (and absolutely no one asked what my site stats are, which is good, because
1) i have no idea, and
2) if I have to guess, I’m going to go with 5. 5 people who visit here most months without running away screaming. 6 on a really good day! also, i probably would have been incredulous and rude if someone had asked me. I’d rather you asked me what type of panties I’m wearing, to be honest).

The tons of awesome people gave me tons of awesome cards, which are currently sitting in an intimidating pile of awesome that I keep trying to go through but haven’t managed yet.


These cards have useful notes written on them based on what I remember about a person, which includes details such as LEAN IN HARDER BITCHES, Crotch-fruit!, that one chick, and Nature+Kids=YAY. Which actually works for me and I remember who ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

There aren’t notes on more than half of the cards of awesome, so it could be months before I figure out who everyone is and why I kept their card, because in all honesty, if the blog subject isn’t an interest area for me and the person and I didn’t click REALLY HARD right away, I probably threw the card away.

Don’t judge – I’m sure there are multiple cards sitting in other people’s trash cans because they either didn’t embrace the awesome or didn’t give a damn about yet another blog about whatever-pops-into-someone’s-head.

SO! It was, overall, completely awesome.

I met Ree Drummond, who talked specifically about the early days of Pioneer Woman and how it evolved into cookbooks and a tv show:


I got ridiculously, stalker-ly close to Queen Latifah, who was the emcee for the Voices of the Year awards, and she was gorgeous and amazing and then got whisked away before I could meet her or propose or do anything more than stare up at her with hearts in my eyes, which was ok, because I probably would have lost the power of speech and just made vowel sounds before running away:


I skipped out of Guy Kawasaki’s lunch keynote, so I missed both the good and the possibly bad, including where he evidentially said something along the lines of “You woman bloggers have the cutsy-est names for your blogs!”

If that’s true,
1) I’m offended because FUCK YOU, I think you mean, “you bloggers”, and
2) will now be known immediately as DEATH-METAL-WOODSHOP, which sounds nice and masculine, don’t you think? Not that I’m into gendering anything, up to and including words or colors.

The keynote by Sheryl Sandberg was amazing, and she was well spoken and articulate and strong, but the Lean In activity, my table agreed, came off as vaguely condescending (they gave us a list of “feelings words” to pick from! Questions like, “What was your proudest moment?” were asked, which isn’t bad in itself, but all of the questions were like that) and then my table broke all the rules and did whatever we want and had a wonderful time and I hardcore love all of those ladies, the end.

The Voices of the Year presentation blew me away, and I laughed and nearly cried at how you should never ever make a pine cone wreath, how to best use the phrase This is Unacceptable, and how much it sucks to realize you’re gay when you know your church family is probably going to reject you.

I loved some of the panels I ended up attending, and the Expo Hall was insane amounts of fun.

So, to wrap up, what have I learned for future BlogHer attendance?

1. Either pack fewer clothes or bring a bigger suitcase

I took my little rolling suitcase because I hate having to check stuff, which would have worked better if I had taken less clothes – many of which I didn’t wear. I packed 2 dresses, 4 shirts, shorts, capris, and a skirt, flipflops, tennis shoes, and cute sandals (to be fair, I was packing for the entire week because I went to my sister’s house to visit after). I wore a dress to VOTY, but otherwise lived in my capris and flipflops. Packing up all of the swag received was frustratingly entertaining due to this. AND THE SHEER AMOUNT OF SWAG. And I had to check my suitcase on the way back anyway or else TSA would’ve taken some of the swag.

2. Pick up your swag bag on the way OUT of the hall

Skye stopped me from getting mine on my way into the Expo and I’m so glad she did, because my arm was about to fall off just with all of the OTHER swag being given out by sponsors.

The mostly complete collection (and almost all of this I managed to squeeze into my suitcase somehow:


And, go on and enter the giveaways, even if the person you’re walking around with can’t due to working for BlogHer. I won a 3 month subscription to Love With Food, 20 instagram prints from Walgreens (pity I don’t instagram), and a vibrator from Trojan that I’m really glad I didn’t have to buy, because vibrators are expensive.

3. Sit with people you don’t know

Seriously. As awesome as Skye is (and she totally, totally is), if I had attached myself to her arm like a barnacle all weekend, I wouldn’t have met nearly as many people (I did get to know Sarah and Christina through Skye, and they are also amazing and fabulous). So, I got in the habit of plunking myself down at a table with people I thought looked vaguely like they could be kindred spirits and introduced myself.

This only backfired once, when I ended up sitting at a table full of beauty and fashion bloggers, all who knew each other, and I had very little to say. They were very nice, I just have no interest in beauty/fashion stuff, and that’s what they were discussing.

4. Pick your panels, but leave if it ain’t working for you

This is one I struggled with. I went to mostly very interesting panels, but there was one or two where I was bored and should’ve left to find something that was a better fit.


This one is focused towards others like me who are very picky food-wise.

Or are gluten free, vegetarian, or whatever.

Lunch on Friday was really good, and I was stuffed, but the reception after VOTY featured 4 different kinds of hot dogs (which gross me out) and multiple kinds of potato products, so I had tator tots for dinner. The following morning, I had bacon for breakfast. All of the bacon. ONLY BACON.

So, next time, I shall pack sunflower seeds and granola bars, just in case.

6. Join Twitter

I didn’t tweet, but now I do, because that is how everyone connects with everyone else. Plus, each panel had its’ own hashtag, so you could follow other people’s thoughts during the session. Which was a little trippy for me, because I have a hard enough time focusing my attention on speakers while doing something else, and now you want me to listen, read twitter, AND type and post? Impossible!

None the less, I did give in and I am now a twit. Follow me at @tasteslikefail, if you have nothing better to do with your life. Warning: I mainly retweet junk I want to remember.

That’s that! I had a great time, and I’m definitely going again. I’ll be checking out people’s blogs as I sort through massive amounts of cards and stuff, so feel free to drop me a line here or on twitter or SOMEWHERE if you want me to get to you sooner! Or if you weren’t there, didn’t have cards, ran across me randomly and think I’m cool*.


Line It Up

Sunday, July 28, 2013 Posted by

A series of recollections of BlogHer 2013, in one liners:

-It’s a vibrator! read my blog?
-A lot of smart women with a lot of smart phones
-Don’t kiss up or kick down
-Fanfiction is a gateway drug to writing
-I don’t tweet
-I’m not currently angry enough to go to a political panel
-We’ll Lean In, but we’ll break all the rules
-’Pedantic Vagina’ would be a great band
-I need no more swag, but let’s go through the Expo again
-it’s like the most frustratingly awesome game of Tetris on the planet

Dude. It was awesome.

The Inherent Difficulties of Giving a Shit

Tuesday, July 23, 2013 Posted by

I go to BlogHer ’13 tomorrow. Other than the fact I’ve painted my toenails, I have done nothing to prepare.

I’m planning to meet up with Skye of Planet Jinxatron and Maud of Awfully Chipper, WHICH IS SO EXCITING, and I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll meet lots of very cool people and do many many fun things.

I am not packed, I haven’t showered, and I’m honestly wondering if I should tweeze my eyebrows, which should show you exactly how insane I’m feeling, because I don’t ever tweeze my eyebrows. I even found myself standing in the makeup aisle of Walgreens today when I went to pick up toothpaste, and y’all, I DON’T EVEN OWN MAKEUP, MUCH LESS WEAR IT.

Clearly, I am not emotionally ready for this.


Sunday, July 14, 2013 Posted by

I can’t today. There is too much going wrong in the world right now.

Treyvon Martin.

Anti-choice legislation passing in Texas, followed by some republican asshole tweeting for liberals to go and stock up on coat hangers.

Orson Scott Card calling for LGBTQI people and allies to have “tolerance” for his homophobic bullshit and go see Ender’s Game.

Cory Monteith.

There is too much bullshit for me to deal with today.

Fuck everything.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013 Posted by
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Something Clever posted a new “about me” featuring questions answered by her kid. And then Crappy Pictures did it, too. This seemed amusing, so I tried it.

Answers by Voldemort, er, I mean, Tidalwave, age 6.

What kinds of things do I like to do?
Read. Talk on the phone with your friends.*

What kinds of things does Daddy like to do?**
Play with me. Give me kisses.

Daddy on what Voldemort likes to do:
Run around like a madman. (V says: YES!) Watch My Little Pony.***

What do I do for work?
You teach preschoolers

What does Daddy do for work?
Teach science and reading

Me on what V does for work:
Quote from V: “Clean the kitchen! I sometimes do chores.”

What music do I listen to?
You’re Born This Way. That Girl’s on Fire.****

What music does Daddy listen to?
I don’t know. Rock and roll. I don’t remember any rock and roll songs. Oh! Two Ten Train!

Daddy on V’s musical taste:
Lady Gaga, AC/DC, Taj Mahal.

What do I like to read?

What does Daddy like to read?
Mostly everything, too.******

Me on V:
You like to read science books and I-Spy.

What do I like to eat?
Peanut butter and nutella in the morning. You like to drink Dr Pepper. Sandwiches?

What does Daddy like to eat?
Popsicles. My brains – but not for reals!

Daddy on what V likes to eat:
Pizza, lunchables, strawberries.

What’s my favorite thing to say to you?
I love you.

What’s Daddy’s favorite thing to say to you?
I love you.

V’s favorite thing to say, according to me:
“I’m not tired!”

*Vicious lie. I hate the phone. If you want to tell me something, text me.
**I see. Daddy spends time with the kid while I’m talking on the phone and reading. HA.
***He watched the same two episodes over and over and OVER again this past weekend. I woke up singing the songs without realizing it.
****Yes, that is the Glee version, as that is what he hears in my car.

Things I Have Yelled at the Internet Today:

Monday, June 17, 2013 Posted by

1. I just need a list of everyone who dies in Game of Thrones/Song of Fire and Ice*, is that so hard?**

*No, I’m not reading OR watching them, but that has never stopped me from reading fanfiction or crying over fanvids.
**Yes, yes it is. Because the answer, I know, is everyone.

Why? Because We Like You

Thursday, June 6, 2013 Posted by

The entire extended fam went to Disney for almost a week, and I didn’t take my laptop. It took me over an hour to weed out emails today, and I’m too terrified to try looking at my tumblr yet.

The trip was awesome – Voldemort got to hang out with his cousin, the Critter, we all got to meet the new baby nephew, Muppet – and a good time was had by all. Brandus and I spent our honeymoon at Disney, and so it was awesome to celebrate our anniversary there nine years and a day or three later. He sprung for us to go to one of the Princess Breakfasts at the top of Cinderella’s castle, which I had no idea would be as much fun as it was. Voldemort is in love with Princess Ariel, and just stood there, holding her hands and staring up at her. And every time a new princess made her way over, he’d grab his napkin and franticly wipe his face to make sure it was clean. It was ADORABLE.

The best, though, was when he met Tinkerbelle, who he LOVES. He was vibrating with excitement while we were waiting in line, and he practically tackled her – he hugged her so hard he almost knocked her over.

Hugging Tink

It was awesome.

Stress Cooking and Avocado Bread

Wednesday, May 1, 2013 Posted by

On Friday, my husband drove himself to the ER and was admitted to the hospital for acute pancreatitis. That night, he was moved to Critical Care due to tachycardia. His gallbladder was removed Monday morning, and he finally came home yesterday, where he is firmly parked on the couch. The last few days have been very stressful, needless to say, and I’ve been coping by cooking.

So far, I’ve made:
-homemade chicken nuggets
-hamburger patties for the freezer
-browned ground beef for the freezer
-potato soup
-avocado bread

And because I don’t feel like talking about the pancreatitis/gallbladder/stress level thing anymore, I am here to share with you how to make avocado bread.

Now, this is one of those recipes that’s so ridiculously simple I feel almost embarrassed sharing it, but the truth is, it’s food that never occurred to me until someone shared it with me and it’s SO GOOD and SO SIMPLE that you need to know how to do it. Also, I made this after I had already gotten the potato soup started but didn’t want leftover spaghetti for lunch.


Yummy crusty bread
Lemon juice
Sea salt
Parmesan cheese
Olive oil (not pictured because I forgot)


Slice bread into inch thick slices and drizzle with olive oil.


Curse your avocado slicing skills.


Place slightly mangled avocado slices on top on bread.


Sprinkle parmesan cheese, lemon juice, and sea salt on top of avocado.

Now, you have a choice. Either a) stick bread into toaster oven and toast on “light,” or b) stick bread into oven on 350 degrees for about 6 minutes. Regardless, put bread into some sort of toasting appliance and do not remove it until bread is crunchy to your taste on the edges.


Place tasty toasted bread on plate and OM NOM NOM.

Now, let’s see, I might go make some peanut rice krispy treats. Or maybe homemade pizza…


Wednesday, April 24, 2013 Posted by

Alaska boy, I can’t believe you’re six.

Your first day on Earth, I was terrified. I was in charge of something ALIVE that couldn’t take care of itself at all.
baby 064

You got bigger, a little at a time.
Little Man, Big Bed

And one day, all of a sudden, you were a little person – not a lump.
San Francisco - Chilling in the hotel

And from the start, you danced.

And danced

And danced

and danced some more

You’ve ridden dogsleds
Pondering the nature of the Universe

made it through a car wreck with a tractor trailer without a scratch – and without even dropping your cookie
Rear facing in his Marathon

lived by the beach

picked pumpkins
Picking a Pumpkin

got stitches, and a “Han Solo” scar

slept on TOP of your dresser
Weird Places My Kid Sleeps

lived with your parents’ terrible influence

wobbled through your first ski lesson
Snowmass 2012

met a mermaid

and blown out candles SIX TIMES

I don’t know what’s next – maybe you’ll fly a plane, or build a rocket, or simply watch all the episodes in existence of Phineas and Ferb, but know that we’ll be here to cheer you on.

You big doofus.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013 Posted by

After several applications, 1 observation, and 3 interviews, I am successfully employed for next year! Doing exactly what I do now, in a school that has NORMAL SCHOOL HOURS THANK YOU OBI WAN KENOBI, and i won’t be extending my commute as it’s about the same distance away in a different part of the city. So, that’s helpful.

In other news, my father has had to rather abruptly retire, which is going to lead to some interesting adjustment pains, I’m sure. He’s been “on leave” from doctoring for a month (more, possibly, they didn’t tell us what was going on right away), due to having some odd spells of confusion – which isn’t a good thing when you are in charge of other people’s lives. After a host of random tests that included fun things like a lumbar puncture, they have determined that he’s got an early form of dementia. Which sucks, honestly.

They’re getting here this week to celebrate the Dark Lord’s sixth (SIX OMG) birthday. I’m tempted to buy Daddy a whole pile of crossword puzzles and Sudoku.


Friday, March 15, 2013 Posted by
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-I’ve never seen The Notebook.

-If given a choice between reading classic literature or reading ridiculous young adult novels, the young adult novel wins every time.

-I once called a 4 year old student an evil little troll child. This was after he kicked me for the millionth time and I’d spent the past 4 hours wrestling with another child who wanted to scratch my face off. I don’t feel guilty for this at all.

-Wall-E depresses me, and I cried the first time I saw it when I saw all the babies in their lonely little float cribs.

-I have a list of sensory issues a mile long. This list includes Food I Will Not Eat, Clothes I Will Not Wear, and Ways I Will Hurt People Who Tickle Me.

-I continue to teach, even though it continues to try and destroy my soul.

It’s the last one, really, that keeps getting me. Last year, I was not asked back, because I “wasn’t a good fit,” for the school. Which I can buy, because I pretty much hated the school and was bored bored BORED by my class.

I got the job I have now at the last minute, cancelled travel plans that had been made for months, and then promptly got called on the carpet and had my job threatened, so I wasn’t expecting much out of this year.

But, it turned out ok. While the principal never spoke to me and I never got even a tour of the school – so there are still whole areas of the school I’ve never been – nobody told me how to do my job, came in to criticize how I was following the curriculum (by which I mean, no one came into count how many kinds of manipulatives or types of books I had out). And I really like my kids, and the support staff are awesome.

So, to find out, a week after the required date of notification, by which I had already missed the school district’s hiring fair, that, while I wasn’t being not invited back, there would be no position for me to return to as my classroom was being closed, was a shock.

I was initially upset, but I came back the next day laughing.

I don’t know why or how, but I’m not crying and panicking over it.

It happened, it sucks, I just bought a bunch of new classroom stuff out of pocket, which REALLY sucks. But I’m ok.

And I’m applying, again, to more teaching jobs. Where principals will hate me or ignore me, where paras might or might not understand my directions, where parents will jump to conclusions, and we’ll run out of paper, and the kids will glue their fingers together, or cut their friend’s hair with scissors that are supposed to only be able to cut paper.

Better hold on tight – there’s no telling what will happen next.


Thursday, February 28, 2013 Posted by

Over the weekend, we went to the playground. It was a good thing we did, as we got to run around and climb the slide and generally be silly, and the very next day we got 7 inches of snow. Which is hard to push Voldemort’s scooter through.

But while we were there, and right before we were leaving, a strange thing happened.

Now, we’re no strangers to walking up to random people and making odd requests, but this one left Brandus and I both feeling…weird.

Voldemort was running in circles, and I was heading for the path home, when a man came up to me – older, smiley, average looking – and asked to borrow the kid.

Which isn’t the weirdest thing we’ve ever heard, so I just waited, and he explained – he had locked his keys in his truck, but the back window (the one over the bed) was open, and would we mind if he borrowed Voldemort to see if the kid could fit in the window and crawl in and get the keys. And in return, he would let Voldemort get something out of his “grab box” in the back of the truck.

Brandus and I looked at each other.

With both of us there, there wasn’t really any reason to say no, and it wasn’t like we wouldn’t be RIGHT THERE.

So, we shoved kiddo through the back window, and he grabbed the keys, handed them to the guy, and the guy popped open the door.

And kid got a matchbox car and some kind of Power Rangers toy from McDonalds, and later, a focused discussion as to why he would never ever do something like that without me or Brandus RIGHT THERE to say it was ok.

On the Wing

Friday, February 22, 2013 Posted by

With the Dark Lordling finally have taken a turn for the better (long story involving 3 doctor visits in less than a month and way too much missed school for all three of us), I find myself longing for Spring.

…Partially because he’s bouncing off the walls now that he’s better and outside doesn’t have walls, but it’s still currently too cold and there is too much snow for me to want to challenge his just recovered immune system with spending too much time outside.

But I want it. I want Spring and outside and green.

I want to plant daffodils and I want to poke around in my little raised garden and I want it to be WARM.

And I want grass.

No, not weed – grass. A lawn.

We’ve lived in our house for just over a year, and we still have nothing that is lawn-like. The grass was all dead when we moved in, and even though we’ve received strongly worded scolding letters from our HOA*, we have yet to do a darn thing to fix it. Partially because when we moved in, it was winter, and then in spring when we called and talked to places that help raise the dead, they said it was too late for seed and we’d have to buy sod and omg do you know how expensive that shit is?

So, our lawn remains as little more than dirt and some scraggly looking dandelions.

But at this point, I’ll even take the dandelions. At least they’re green and alive.

*Other strongly worded letters from the HOA have included our inability to put our trash cans inside the garage instead of the neatly garbage-can-shaped indent BESIDE the garage where it makes sense to put it, the fact we have a nearly dead plant in our yard, and the fact we should be shoveling the walkway no one walks on.

The Man Cave

Wednesday, February 6, 2013 Posted by

I recently saw a list of crafts to make “For Men,” which included things like BBQ rub, beef jerky, and a canvas log carrier.

Clearly, all men like meat and build fires.

Which is ridiculous, because in my house, I’m the carnivore and the fire addict.

My problems with pinterest and stupid gender crap are getting more extreme, where I can no longer hold myself back and find myself leaving brightly phrased comments that I try to make sound non-sarcastic. Which is more difficult than you could possibly believe.

I have a particular problem with any pin that says anything stupid like: All girls need to read this! Every woman should pin this! Best books for boys!

I find myself having to step away and take deep breaths so I don’t lay out an entire feminist diatribe against the stupidity of this shit. But I can’t always resist. Which is why I have a board entitled Feminist, and another entitled Fuck Off, and sometimes THEY OVERLAP.

So stop talking crap about what “all girls” should do, or what “all boys” are like, and for fuck’s sake, STOP PISSING ME OFF WITH IT.

Sorry Edward

Monday, January 28, 2013 Posted by

One night last week, I decided it was a wonderful night for a bath.

I grabbed one of my Lush bath bombs with no more than a cursory sniff to make sure it wasn’t objectionable.

I honestly thought I had grabbed a Honey Bee bath bomb. I keep each one individually wrapped, to try and protect the scent somewhat, so I didn’t even take it out before hand.

I ran the bath, turned on the battery operated candles (I know, but I can never find the freaking matches when I want them), and dumped the bath bomb in.

Which promptly went WHOOOSH and I thought, “Huh. That’s not Honey Bee.”

But I was tired and didn’t want to turn the lights back on and who cares, a bath is a bath.

I didn’t even turn on the lights when I was done – I had already brushed my teeth, so I just drained the bath and went to bed.

The next morning, when I went to get ready for the day, I realized the full extent of the carnage.

The entire bathtub was full of purple glitter. It looked like I had battled and won a fight against a Twilight-esque vampire.

Definitely not a Honey Bee.

Right and Wrong

Sunday, January 20, 2013 Posted by

On Wednesday, I woke up at my usual hour of oh-god-no, looked at the husband and said, “I’m not going to work today.”

“And why not?” he asked, which was a totally fair question.

“Don’t wanna.” And I flounced downstairs to call in for a mental health day. I spent the next few minutes eagerly thinking of the napping I could do and the tv I could watch that I never get a chance to.

And then the child came downstairs, fell apart over absolutely nothing, and when I hugged him to soothe his fragile five year old soul, I felt his forehead.

Oh. THAT was why I wasn’t going to go to school. BECAUSE I’M PSYCHIC.

Needless to say, I never got that nap and the tv was tuned to ridiculous things like Sophia the First and Gravity Falls.

One day out, no big deal, but when his fever hadn’t gone down by 4 and he had spent the entire day laying on the couch, not even jumping around or whining, I decided to keep him home on Thursday, too.

Two days out, ok, sure, it happens. His fever was lower and he was more entergetic, but was still hanging out at 99 degrees and just didn’t look right to me. I figured he’d been good to go on Friday, and I shared that feeling with the husband. Although I also said I wasn’t entirely comfortable sending him Friday. I just..wasn’t.

Brandus rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll be FINE,” and I figured he was right, so I put my unease to the side and went to bed.

Friday, I got up, got dressed, got a cranky sounding good morning grunt from the husband, and then took Voldemort’s temperature. Which was 100.4.

Brandus scoffed. Brandus rolled his eyes. Brandus told me I was being ridiculous and Voldemort would be FINE and he barely had a fever and GEEZUS SERIOUSLY YOU’RE STAYING HOME WITH HIM AGAIN GOD.

I find it a sign of my own personal maturity that at no point did I videotape myself doing the TOLD YOU SO song and dance and emailing it to him after the doctor told me that Voldemort had an upper respiratory infection topped with a double dose of conjunctivitis.

The Magic in Me

Friday, January 4, 2013 Posted by

I spent the entire last day of 2012 curled up under a ridiculous number of blankets feeling like death would be preferable to sitting upright. The first day of 2013, I was feeling so much better that I took my blanket burrito downstairs and lay on the floor, occasionally moaning or making feeble motions towards eating soup.

It was quite the party.

Brandus is a total rock star, and I’m fairly certain I told him I’d give him my first born, which made him snort and Voldemort yell “NOOO” and try and burrow into my blanket fort with me to attach himself like a barnacle to my side. That lasted all of five seconds before he was trying to steal all of my covers to make himself a ghost.

So, 2013. Here we are.

2012, when I think about it, didn’t fit well into the “awesome” category. Honestly, it pretty much sucked. I got fired, which was a first. I started a new job – again. I thought I was doing great – again. And then I get called on the carpet during the first week and am bawled out about something that came completely out of left field – AGAIN! I started having actual panic attacks, which is FABULOUS, let me tell you. Both Brandus and Voldemort made a trip to the E.R. And the topping on the cake was the death of my mother in law.

Fuck you, 2012.

But you, 2013, I feel good things from you. I’m getting a new niece or nephew. I’m going back to get my Masters (unwillingly, but that’s irrelevant). I’m starting to write again.

You and me, 2013. We’re going to get along just fine. I’m going to ignore the fact that Voldemort needs significant dental work (HE’S NOT EVEN FIVE. HE BRUSHES TWICE A DAY. WHAT THE HELL.) and I spent the second night of 2013 dealing with significant insomnia because I kept running over and over and over what my mother would say about his teeth – all of which end up with her laying the blame neatly at my feet, much as she did when he was just born and wasn’t gaining weight and she decided it was because I wasn’t dressing him warmly enough and he was using up all of his energy keeping warm NOT THAT I STILL THINK ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING – and generally feeling like a terrible mother. So I went downstairs and stuffed my head so full of words and words and words of stories that I drowned out my own Anxiety Disorder influenced words of blame and hate and horribleness and I ended up getting two hours of sleep but NONE OF THAT IS IMPORTANT.

What is important is that 2013 and I are going to get along just fine. I won’t get fired. I will handle the panic attacks by remembering that my xanax is in my purse for a reason. I will support the Brandus as much as I can. I’ll try and remember awesome days like today with my kid, where he’s happy and helpful and interested in everything. I’ll drink more water, sing more songs, dance with my students, clean the kitchen, bake a cake.

Welcome to my world, 2013. Let’s rock this year.

March Madness

Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Posted by

It started a few months ago, I think, although the memory is a little hazy.

A general email from Family Fun, a magazine I get, sent out to a billion people or some other ridiculous amount, asking for ideas for what we do with our kids for science.

I didn’t think anything of it, except that they were giving away a $100 gift card to a random survey respond-er, and at the time, $100 would have been AWESOME.

So I threw out the first idea I had – which is something we actually do – and promptly forgot all about it.

Until last month, when I got an email I thought was going to be the same thing – a general email from the magazine to a bunch of people, looking for responses. Instead, it started with DEAR ALIANORA, and expressed interest in possibly printing the idea – barring any other better ideas.

Um. Wow. Ok, sure. So, we exchanged a few emails, with them asking questions and me clarifying a few things.

And while I kind of thought, “Wow, this is kinda cool,” again, I didn’t think much about it, because what are the chances, right?

Yesterday, I got an email from a fact checker, and today, I got a contract in the mail.

Family Fun will be printing my idea and PAYING ME FOR IT.

The March issue should feature it, and I might pass out and die.

No, it’s not like I’m writing for the magazine, but it’s still pretty damn cool.

Thursday, December 6, 2012 Posted by

I’ve been hovering on the edge of an anxiety attack all day, and I just want to know WHY my anxiety is so heavily tied to my job and dealing with administrators? I got an email this morning from another sped teacher asking if I would be willing to have a meeting with my vice principal AND my immediate director of sped involving a situation with another teacher and a student of mine.

I’m not in trouble. I KNOW i’m not in trouble, and yet, here I am, right on the edge.

Of course, everything that’s going on at home is not making anything any better, as Brandus is on edge and so sad and so stressed, and I’m sad and stressed that HE’S sad and stressed, and so we’re just…yeah.

Write wills, people. And don’t try to run away from creditors. There is no reason on this entire freaking EARTH that I should be having to cancel magazine subscriptions and who knows what else that are in the name of a DOG that died seven years ago. A DOG. Because they didn’t want to put their own name on things.

Words Putting In

Tuesday, November 27, 2012 Posted by
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I am currently in a joyful, “I HATE EVERYONE” mood, so much so that I actually hissed at my husband like a cat last night before swooping upstairs with my computer to hide under the covers and read fanfiction.

The death in the family thing I dont feel up to explaining again, because I’ve told the story so many times by now that it’s completely nonsensical to me and the really short version is: My mother in law died at her home after being in the hospital, released without telling anyone, and we got to clean her blood up off the floor. The last two weeks have been AWESOME!

I am currently depending heavily on xanax in order to sleep at night because between the husband’s current lack of relaxation and my own anxiety issues, I am basically pretending to sleep by some strange sort of glorified dozing which means I sit up and glare at the clock every half an hour.

The kid has gone crazy, which seems par for the course with all the other crazy. He’s handled all the traveling pretty well, although we’ve somehow lost two winter jackets and a sweatshirt, but he must be hitting a growth spurt because he cannot stop eating.

We’ve been staying in hotels with free breakfast whenever we’re trying to deal with the mess that is the MIL’s estate/house/royally-fucked-by-lack-of-will-stuff, and Voldemort eats 2 bowls of cereal, a piece of toast, sausage, orange juice, an apple, and a yogurt, and then an hour later when we are trying to meet with the estate planner or close out bank accounts, he pipes up with, “I’m STARVING.” We had to make an emergency pit stop to buy him more shoes, too, because he suddenly couldn’t walk in his old ones and we realized it’s because his toes were crunched up at the end, so now my five year old child is wearing Big Kid Twos and eating us out of house and home and we’re going to have to take out a second mortgage feeding him when he’s a teenager and wearing shoe size 72 and standing 18 feet tall. Otherwise, he’s handling the death of his grandmother fairly well, especially because we’ve let him keep all of the change we’re finding out the house, and he cackles as he feeds into into his little bank that counts it and I’m going to have to steal it because $50 in change would be very helpful right now.

Brandus is alternately dealing and shutting down – angry and then depressed – hopeful and anxious. So he’s either yelling at us or sleeping or having low level anxiety attacks about everything that could and can and will go wrong.

I wish there was a font specifically for sarcasm so I could design a cheery tshirt that says, “IT’S AWESOME!!” in giant glittery sarcasm font, because I really don’t think I can express myself in any other way.

There are way too few commas or sentences or something in this post, so I’m going to go glare at the broken caffeine machine and tell it how much I hate it for it’s denial of my Dr Pepper.