Dear

Dear parent of a preschool child in my class,

I am sure your child is a special snowflake who can do no wrong and rainbows come out of his ass. However, your child is a pain in MY ass, and I would appreciate that you make up some random boundaries for the home environment. Things like: you WILL pee in the toilet and not on the floor, even when you are angry because I will not give you more crackers. Or, you WILL NOT kick me repeatedly in the ankle to get my attention for long enough to throw a block at my face. Or even, when I say your name, it does not mean, “throw yourself to the ground and scream, then go limp when I try to pull you to your feet, because you are BLOCKING THE ENTIRE DOORWAY INTO THE SCHOOL.”

You know. The basics.

It also does not amuse me when your child refuses to stay on his mat during rest time, and when I go to retrieve a toy he is not supposed to have, he promptly begins screaming, “I HATE YOU, YOU ARE HURTING ME.” I am not touching him, although I have been having strongly enjoyable daydreams of giving him a rather forceful swirly in our miniature toilet.

Please remember that the other children in my classroom have autism, and are on a different playing field than your child. Your child understands and can communicate a vast number of words, so he is capable of saying, “I want to play with that!” instead of snatching it out of one of my other students’ hands. And no, while I will send an incident report home if he begins to bleed at any point, I’m not going to bother stopping the student who just went purposefully crashing into your child. Why? I told your son already. DON’T POKE THE BEAR. THE BEAR IS TWICE YOUR SIZE. IF THE BEAR HITS YOU FOR STEALING HIS TOY, I WILL NOT STOP HIM.

Please remember all these things, and remember, we would love to have you join us for our Parent Activity this month! This month, my aide and I are planning a barbecue! We’re very excited to have gotten permission for your son to be the main course!

Sincerely,
Your son’s teacher

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