Hilarious is when 3 women spanning the range from 29 to 34 (almost 34?) AND THEIR 60 YEAR OLD FATHER descend on a water park. With no kids in tow.
WATERSLIDE! WATERSLIDE!
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The Fun of Living Somewhere New
From Dumb Laws, which is a great place to waste time.
I have been researching my new state, because aside from spending large amounts of summer here as a child, I dont know all that much about NC. Except that I love it, and it is awesome. So, if you’re planning on moving to NC, or even thinking about visiting, here are a few things you should know:
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
You hear me? NO ELEPHANTS. Leave them at home where they belong!
However, what I find infinitely more entertaining is the amount of laws dedicated to when and where and how you can have sex.
No, really.
While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
But..but, we dont HAVE shades in our living room. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX IN THERE?
It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
What? Are they out to ruin ALL of my fun? First, I cant have sex in my own living room, and NOW i cant get busy in a churchyard? I mean, what about all those times after church when we just have to rip our clothes off RIGHT THERE because church makes us so hot?
…oh, wait. We dont go to church. Never mind.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.
Because the only people who stay in hotels are UNMARRIED people who want to have SEX with the shades up. AND NOT IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION.
Then again, it doesnt look like it would have done us any good to have moved anywhere else, either.
In Florida, unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts†and live together in the same residence.
So…it was ok when we werent living together? COOL.
In Mississippi, It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
Well, shit. What am I supposed to do when someone wonders what the hell is going on on Big Love?
Speaking of Big Love, in Utah, No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.
Which, frankly, I fully support, because I bet alot of people might have emergencies in the churchyard or something.
And, Im very very sorry to report to Natalie and Dave that in Maryland, oral sex can not be given or received anywhere.
NOT EVEN IN YOUR LIVING ROOM WITH THE SHADES PULLED.
Posted in geek
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Her Heart, It Is In Ireland…
We have settled! We have an apartment in an INSANELY cool little place called Emerald Isle in NC. Its probably an hour and a half from Wilmington, but, its an ISLAND, its in NORTH CAROLINA, and we can literally walk out our door and be on the beach in less than a minute.
Its awesome.
Voldemort continues to confuse. Yesterday, after months of nothing but pure baby babble, looked up at his father and clearly said, “Hi, Daddy!” He is loving being able to wander all over an actual apartment, but the child locks have so far managed to keep him out of the fridge and the trash under the sink, which has him plotting evil for breaking them. He is also completely in love with the two globe lights in the kitchen. I call them both “Bodai,” which seems to make him happy.
(And if you got that reference, you get a million points.)
We’re still waiting on final call about brandus’ job – he had to have ETS send them him Praxis scores, so we’re waiting for that. But he’s also been offered 2 other jobs, so this isnt a major deal.
We LOVE where we are living, Brandus is loving that i actual bought him a kayak like i said i would (time from door to getting in at the salt marshes? ONE MINUTE.), and i am THRILLED to be back in the actual South.
Crystal Coast
So, Brandus has a job! HOORAY!
…of course, in a sweeping display of…something…irony, perhaps, we have now moved from a tiny fishing village of 600 on the far far west coast…to a small fishing village of 1400 on the east coast.
What exactly does this say about us, you think?
Whatever I Did in My Past Life, I am Very Very Sorry
Seriously, I have no idea exactly why the Travel Gods hate me, but they REALLY REALLY DO.
I mean, Ive missed flights in the past. I’ve been rebooked and flights have been delayed and traffic is inexplicably horrible for 3 hours leading up to when my flight is supposed to leave.
But, come on.
To start with, as Brandus was leaving Colorado – in his car, to drive to North Carolina, he got his oil changed.
This was a responsible thing to do, yes?
Well, then, he gets about 2 hours outside of Denver, and there is SMOKE! and OIL! and a weird PING! His car is now broken and needs to be towed.
He gets it towed, gets it looked at (might I mention that this is taking HOURS during which he is supposed to be driving?), and it turns out that the jiffylube neglected to tighten a bolt they needed to tighten. THANKS JIFFYLUBE!
they have agreed to pay for the whole mess, up to and including the tow and diagnostics.
Phew! I says. Thank goodness that’s over!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, RIGHT.
The next day, I take myself, two cats in hardsided cat carriers, 1 suitcase, 1 stroller, 1 car seat, 1 laptop, 1 diaper bag and 1 baby to the airport.
I walk in, walk up to the counter and say, hello! I am here to check in! I wish to go to North Carolina, and look! I have brought my cats, like we told you we would on the phone when we booked the ticket!
Oh. Says the lady. Your plane is delayed. Let’s try and book you on a different flight to keep you from having to wait.
AWESOME, says i.
Hmm. She says, United doesnt have anything, Delta is booked. Hmm. Looks like its going to be this flight. Sorry about that! We’re replacing the Captain’s Chair so it’s comfy!
Great! says i, thanks for trying!
Now, what needs to be checked in? says she.
As i said when i walked up here, i says, i have this large suitcase in eye blinding purple, and i have these two lovely kitties in their hard sided carriers for to go under the plane, as we arranged when we bought our ticket. also, i have a small child tugging on my pants, excuse me.
Oh dear! she says. Cats? We dont ALLOW pets under the plane!
*blink* Your website disagrees. Matter of fact, your website doesnt say a damn thing about it, and have i mentioned that we called and told the airline when we BOUGHT OUR TICKET?
I am so sorry! she says. Maybe we should reschedule you on tomorrow’s flight so you have time to take care of your cats?
WHAT? No! I have to go TODAY. And I dont have anyone in town I can leave the cats with!
…hmm. well, let me check with the other airlines and see about getting you moved onto one of their flights…
*seethe*
No..no, they dont have any openings. Well, you could carry them on into the cabin?
I dont have their soft sided carriers!
Can you go home and get them? We can rebook you for tomorrow!
STOP TRYING TO GET RID OF ME!
I should also tell you that I had a dead cell phone, had sent my charger with brandus by accident, and also had a very hungry baby trying to climb out of his stroller and up my leg.
I ended up going to the luggage store (which, thank joss was open at 6 in the morning) and buying two obscenely expensive soft sided carriers, and then CARRYING THROUGH THE AIRPORT 2 cats, 1 laptop, 1 diaper bag, 1 stroller and 1 baby. Oh, and one of the expensive soft sided carriers didnt have a functioning shoulder strap. Which I didnt notice until I had already gone back up to the ticket counter and put the cat in it. So, I have a baby in the stroller, the diaper bag in the stroller pocket, the laptop over the handles of the stroller. One cat on my shoulder, and the other sort of balanced on top of the laptop bag while I held onto it with one hand, and with the other, steered and prayed the stroller wouldnt over balance.
And my plane was STILL delayed.
Posted in rant
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