Norwegian Alpine Ski Team:
aaannnd, France’s Women’s Speed Team answer to that:
Bwahahahaha.
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Reasons Why I Love the Olympics
Dear
Dear parent of a preschool child in my class,
I am sure your child is a special snowflake who can do no wrong and rainbows come out of his ass. However, your child is a pain in MY ass, and I would appreciate that you make up some random boundaries for the home environment. Things like: you WILL pee in the toilet and not on the floor, even when you are angry because I will not give you more crackers. Or, you WILL NOT kick me repeatedly in the ankle to get my attention for long enough to throw a block at my face. Or even, when I say your name, it does not mean, “throw yourself to the ground and scream, then go limp when I try to pull you to your feet, because you are BLOCKING THE ENTIRE DOORWAY INTO THE SCHOOL.”
You know. The basics.
It also does not amuse me when your child refuses to stay on his mat during rest time, and when I go to retrieve a toy he is not supposed to have, he promptly begins screaming, “I HATE YOU, YOU ARE HURTING ME.” I am not touching him, although I have been having strongly enjoyable daydreams of giving him a rather forceful swirly in our miniature toilet.
Please remember that the other children in my classroom have autism, and are on a different playing field than your child. Your child understands and can communicate a vast number of words, so he is capable of saying, “I want to play with that!” instead of snatching it out of one of my other students’ hands. And no, while I will send an incident report home if he begins to bleed at any point, I’m not going to bother stopping the student who just went purposefully crashing into your child. Why? I told your son already. DON’T POKE THE BEAR. THE BEAR IS TWICE YOUR SIZE. IF THE BEAR HITS YOU FOR STEALING HIS TOY, I WILL NOT STOP HIM.
Please remember all these things, and remember, we would love to have you join us for our Parent Activity this month! This month, my aide and I are planning a barbecue! We’re very excited to have gotten permission for your son to be the main course!
Sincerely,
Your son’s teacher
Posted in teach me
Comments Off on Dear
Let’s Bowl, Let’s Bowl, Let’s Rock and Roll
Today, we went BOWLING.
By “we,” I mean my class. My class of cherubic 4 and 5 year olds with autism and poor impulse control.
I am very very proud to say that only one child made a run for it down the bowling lane. And I didn’t fall on my butt chasing him. One child dropped the bowling ball and fell about 5 times, narrowly missing his toes every single time. And one child spent every other second pushing all the buttons on the consul that we had been told not to push, as well as the ball return/reset button.
By the way, did you know that if you push the reset button while someone is bowling (and by “bowling” here, I mean pushing a ball so that it takes 8000 years and 400 gray hairs sprouting from my head before it gets down to the pins), the ball has a very good chance of actively bouncing off of the barrier that comes down..and actually come back down the lane to you? You didn’t? You should try it next time. Maybe just to see the bowler’s face when they turn back around to look at the lane to see the ball rolling to a stop at their feet.
That said, it was a very good field trip. I measure the goodness of a field trip by how many parents go (2 moms, 1 dad, 1 grandma, 1 aunt), and how hard the cherubs sleep afterwards (OUT LIKE ROCKS).
VERY GOOD FIELD TRIP.
Rock OUT
The Dark Lord would like you to know that the only approved way to rock out to AC/DC is in your Lighting McQueen underpants.
Yo Check My Flow
A collection of random thoughts, strung together in no coherent order with numbers and called a post:
1. Something I never expected to have to say to any person (regardless of preschooler status or Autism label) is “Stop eating the laundry basket!” He ripped the bottom off and was chewing on the straw. Why? For the same reason he eats acorns and leaves on the playground. TO MAKE ME CRAZY.
2. Voldemort has gotten progressively more hilarious. Yesterday, he saw helicopters, and when I asked where he thought they were going, he said to our house to pick up Dora treats and then go to the moon.
…it’s cuter if you know him. Otherwise, it’s probably just an annoying story told by an annoying parent who thinks everything her average child does is adorable. NOT THAT MY KID IS AVERAGE. MY KID IS A GENIUS. A GENIUS WHO THINKS THE FUNNIEST KNOCK KNOCK JOKE IS:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Griffin!
Griffin who?
Griffin KITTY!
3. I have a tendency to get sucked into certain books and topics. This happened with Julie and Julia, where I saw the movie
There was also a previous example where i ran across a post about Tom Cruise and a video he did about Scientology where he basically made no sense, which lead to information about L Ron Hubbard and him being BAT SHIT INSANE, which lead to several weeks where I researched creepy stuff and being brainwashed, and then I started having reoccurring dreams about thetas and being audited, and at that point I decided the crazy was coming from inside the house, so I cut myself off cold turkey and now avoid any and all research into Scientology to avoid active hallucinations about Tom Cruise cracking my skull open and stealing my brain.
Instead, I just finished Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders
4. I have now had to remove an obscene amount of materials from my classroom, because I have students who tend to fixate. I had to remove any and all references to Thomas the Train, because I had one student who would do absolutely NOTHING ELSE but drive Thomas and make Thomas noises. Then I had to remove all crayons and small objects that were blue, as a different student would line them all up and would have a complete meltdown when asked to put them away, or do, i dont know, ANYTHING. Then a singing frog, because OMG MAKE THE STUPID SONG STOP FOR THE LOVE OF TOAST. And now, we’re carefully hidden a crock of fake plastic cookies with fake candy on the top, because of the student with the blue fixation has lately been refusing to do things like eat, nap, or participate in circle time for the joy of rubbing two of the cookies together. Ah, sensory issues. HOW FUN!
5. For those of you who know me in real life, you know I
A)love Glee
B)love Asian entertainment
so this promo for Glee on Fox Japan leaves me rolling on the floor laughing.