I was linked to this post about rape and men and the culture surrounding rape, and Ive been reading through the comments and the linked posts for the past four hours.

To me, it all boils down to how tragic it is that there are not more men who are willing to be “That Guy” who stands up to his friends/guy he doesnt know/stranger on a train when a woman is being hassled/is unable to consent/looks uncomfortable with the attention. What is worse is that when a man is That Guy, he gets praise and thanks and grateful expressions that he didn’t take advantage when she was drunk/stopped when she said no/walked her back to her house and made sure she was safe – instead of it being a standard of common human decency.

I think men who are That Guy SHOULD be praised, but I also think that it’s horrifying that they need to be.

I’m lucky, I’ve never been in a situation where I was honestly afraid of being assaulted. I’ve been groped (I was 12. He was a grown man), I’ve been pushed past my point of comfort in sexual situations (full conversation- Me: no, i’m not comfortable with that. Him: Just trust me. – and because I was 16, and wanted to be liked, or whatever, let it continue), I’ve been leered at, and I’ve had lewd suggestions offered – but I’ve never been afraid for my life or my body. Does that make what has happened to me any better? No.

I’ve met That Guy. I’ve been around That Guy. I married That Guy. That Guy who goes pelting down a dark alley IN THAILAND because he hears screaming. That Guy who interrupts a friend and goes, “dude, she’s way too drunk for that.” That Guy who doesn’t try to “talk me into it.” That Guy who approaches the mom and daughters of our next door neighbor who have locked themselves in a van, and stays there with them trying to talk the drunk dad down until the cops got there.

Before him, though, there was a whole group of That Guy – both boys and girls. I was just a kid, and so were they. But there was a boy harassing me, and the group of That Guy closed ranks. They didn’t leave me alone – not ever. The boy wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere near me at group times. They kept me safe – and at that age, I was probably not in danger of anything other then annoyance. And that is what sticks with me. That a group of kids who were maybe nine years old were willing to stick up for another kid they had just met.

For me, I need to learn how to better step up and be That Woman. That Woman who says, “excuse me, you’re in my seat,” to a guy who is clearly coming on to someone who doesn’t want it. That Woman who calls the cops when the couple on the street looks to be in an argument that could turn nasty. That Woman who speaks up when someone says something derogatory or joking about a woman, or rape. I’m pretty darn good at doing it when it comes to someone using the word “retard” or someone saying nasty things about people who are gay, so why do I have such trouble when it’s someone who is talking about women?

The other thing I pulled from this is the sheer rage I feel over rape being classified as a “woman’s issue.” Rape is NOT a “woman’s issue.” A woman (or man, or transgender person, or child) should not EVER be raped. Rape should be fully accountable as a MAN’S issue. As a HUMAN issue.

I know the statistics. I know how lucky I am. I can point at some of the women I know and say, “a man raped her.” I was involved in the Vagina Monologues, I’ve gone to Take Back the Night events, and I still feel like I can’t do enough.

Other links of interest:
Men Speak Up – men for gender equality and sexual respect
An Emotional Missive to Men – women have a checklist to even leave their house. modestly dressed? not asking for it? female?
Anti-rape role models – a discussion of men in tv/movies/books who are That Guy. Surprisingly, Austin Powers is on this list.
Thoughts on Men and Rape – a man’s take on it. And he’s just as pissed as I am.
Sex, Thugs, and Rotten Role Models – opinion piece on the murkiness of “consent.” I heartily endorse the idea of replacing consent with “mutual pleasure.”