It’s the weekend, yes, but most days I am entirely too tired to even communicate how crazy my job really is. So for your reading pleasure, here is a brief snippet of how this week went.

names changed to protect my ass.

Teacher:
Get down, M. N, no mouth. H, feet on floor. G, you’re fine. No, S, you may not hold my hand right now. D, pick up these first. G, get DOWN. N, get that out of your mouth, it’s gross. No bubbles, N.

Circle time! Check schedule! No bubbles, N. H, feet on floor. What do you want to sing? Listen! Sit in chair, M. Sit in chair, M. SIT IN CHAIR, M. No bubbles, N! *songs may or may not occur*

Centers! Check schedules! N, feet on floor. H, go jump! W, sand out of mouth-YUCK. M, go potty. It does not hurt my feelings when you flush the toilet angrily, M, so GO POTTY. W, you’re done with sand – spit it out. No bubbles, N. Sand is closed, W! STOP TRYING TO EAT IT.

Art! Check schedules! Don’t eat the playdough, W. M, get the playdough off your head. N, you need to share the playdough toys. G, can you roll it out? D, touch it! Just try! W, stop eating the playdough. D, poke the playdough with your finger. Make a snake, N. WE SIT IN CHAIRS.

Snack! Check schedules! *much encouragement and prompting on my part to have kids communicate what they want to eat* H, sitting or throw away. G, please eat SOMETHING today, ok? D, you can’t have what the others are having, so please stop trying to swipe. H, sitting or throw away. N, you took two bites of your apple and threw it away, no you may not have another.

Oh, thank goodness, it’s recess! CHECK SCHEDULES! Get your vests! STOP OPENING THE DOOR, W. S, go potty. Yes, I mean now. GO POTTY. H, stop kicking me, I have to hold yours AND D’s hands, ok? N, yes, for heaven’s sake, BUBBLES NOW. *release class to playground, spend 1 hour attempting to get M to stop eating acorns, W to stop kicking dirt, N to let someone else blow bubbles every now and then, S to let go of my hand, D and G to down up the stairs and down the slide, and H to STOP KICKING ME*

Time to go insi-GET BACK HERE.

Check schedules! Lunch! *shove food in children’s mouths or watch them throw it on the floor or ignore it and demand something else through hand gestures and whiny noises* W, I know it has sauce on it and that mortally offends you, but I promise you have eaten it before. M, keep your food on your plate. No, you may not trade your half eaten bun for his untouched one, S, but nice try. H, sitting or throw away. G, if I give you the cup shaped like Woody from Toy Story, will you at least drink something?

Check schedules! SLEEP! YAY! *send various kids potty, redirect multiple kids who seem to have forgotten where their mats are, sit on children, ignore the 30 minutes of crying from one child*

*majority of children are asleep or at least contained, attempt to write lesson plans, IEPs, transition goals, newsletters, etc, all the while my poor TA is bodily holding down at least one kid who just wants to throw things or step on other kid’s faces or whatever*

Check schedules! Snack! Want juice, W? Juice? Say juice! No, “here you go,” N, say juice. JUICE. You’ve said it seventeen times today, so I know you can do it. JUICE. Go potty, S. Crying doesn’t bother me, I live to make children cry – so go potty! M, if you don’t want popcorn then throw it away. Sure, you can give it to N. …and you’re going to give it to W? He didn’t even want popcorn, but hey, he’s eating it, so it’s ok with me. No bubbles, N.

CHECK SCHEDULES! GO HOME! *shove backpacks onto tiny shoulders, avoid angry kicking feet of H, wrench bubbles from N’s grasp, convince W to put down the animals he’s carrying, shove them onto buses and COLLAPSE*